“I’d be in the shower having arguments with myself; with that invisible person. Just my anxiety fueling up off of that.
Now I can acknowledge that something has bothered me; I’ve been triggered by something. And I can feel it, cry if I need to, and then move on. Like, this bothered me, but it’s not going to take over the rest of my day.”
The journey of self-love can be long and winding. Danielle Matthew knows this firsthand.
Growing up in sunny Oceanside, California, she dealt with the challenges many of us face in adolescence: trying to figure out who we are and who our real friends are; and trying to craft a path for ourselves, sometimes without a mentor or role model that we can look up to.
Today, Danielle is that very role model for others, working with children through her job as a speech pathologist at an elementary school.
“Thinking about who I was as a kid… trying to figure out what I actually like and don’t like.... I see that in the kids that I’m working with. And although I’m not there to counsel them, I do spend a lot of time with them, and I am honest and vulnerable with them as well, so I feel like they can trust in me. They bring up things that happen within their classrooms, family or within their friendships, and we talk about life,” she says. “It feels good to be able to maybe be someone in their life, even if it’s for a short time, that can give them some guidance (outside of what they actually see me for, which is their speech & language).”
But before Danielle became a speech pathologist and began living out her dream of helping others, she went through a transformative self-love journey. While she had previously distracted herself by filling her schedule and actively avoiding time alone, Danielle eventually came to a turning point on her journey during COVID. She found herself finished with school, without the distractions she typically relied on, and realized that not only was she not her own best friend, but she didn’t see the value her friends saw in her.
“The start of my self-love journey happened [after] hard conversations with friends (...). And them asking me things I’d never really asked myself, like, ‘Do you really love yourself?’ And then me breaking down and realizing, ‘I don’t really love myself in the way that my friends love me…’’ And I don’t think I ever really contemplated that. (...) I was uncomfortable with not being able to say that [I loved myself]. Because I (...) [would] see people (...) on the street [and I could] tell [based on] their energy that (...) they [didn’t] care what anybody thought and they loved themselves, and that was not me. I cared about what everybody thought, except what I thought.”
Self-love often starts with rewriting our inner narratives and with slowly shifting the way that we speak to ourselves. With allowing ourselves to be gentle and kind, rather than critical. With giving ourselves permission to acknowledge that we’re feeling one way, rather than running away with anxious thoughts. With listening carefully to our inner voices. But this takes extraordinary courage, and it takes work. Danielle decided that she wanted to work toward being a better friend to herself, and started going to therapy.
In addition to the strategies she’s learned from her therapist, Danielle attributes journaling to helping her reach a place of self-love.
“Journaling has been a great thing. (...) Because sometimes my inner thoughts are literally just spiraling. I’m just on repeat, and I need to get them out and make comments about [them] and [then] it’s easier for me to move on.”
Each of us navigates our own fears and limiting beliefs about ourselves. But whatever our stories may be, we are all deserving of love. Let Danielle’s journey inspire you to treat yourself like a close friend. For some, this may require a courageous step forward, in order to begin shedding long-held beliefs and harsh inner narratives. Others may need to sharpen their self-love practices, by returning to them after some time away, or creating more space for them in their daily schedules. Journaling and affirmations are powerful ways to build and affirm the love we hold for ourselves, day after day and week after week.
“Now that I feel better in my skin, and am okay with not being okay, (...) going about my day, finding the things that I love, making new friends, and meeting people that are like-minded (...) brings me so much joy.”
Danielle is a thoughtful friend, sister, auntie, and mentor. She truly cares about others, and it shows. These are just some of the things that we love about her. What do you love most about yourself?
